I’D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 8.36.31 PM

 VOLUME TOO

 HOW I FOUND MYSELF WRITING THE WRONGS OF POP CULTURE  EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T ALOUD   

by Tom Kolovos

 


aCS Kim-Kardashian-Holding-Baby-500x300

Published on June 16th, 2013 | by tomkolovos

2

YEESUS: Kim Kardashian to give up newborn baby girl up for adoption after 72 days

Or give it to up to a human trafficking ring, which would be quite easy since she would simply hand the baby over to her mother Kris Jenner, who again this year is in a tight race for “Worst Mother of the Year” along with perennial favorite Sharon Osbourne.

Yes, you read that right.

In a statement to be issued to the press in 72 hours, Kim will reveal that “After careful consideration, I have decided to end my maternity. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this maternity thing was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friendly, I guess, and wish each other the best?  Um. Yes. But don’t worry, I will continue having sex, and lots of it, and will not rule out getting pregnant again if the ratings for next season’s shows in which the baby will appear before I abort her–I mean give her up for adoption– and sales of my new baby clothing line for Sears Kardashian Kollection blow up this summer.”

Asked why she decided to do such a thing she replied that whenever something doesn’t really fit in with her lifestyle of “whoring, clubbing, walking talking about nothing and playing with my hair” 72 days “is pretty much an eternity. I will feel satisfied that I practically put her through college.”

She also revealed when she gets another tool like Kanye West to impregnate her, she will simply “induce a miscarriage after 72 days. That way my public will feel very sorry for me and I can basically get back to my business empire of  “whoring, clubbing, walking talking about nothing and playing with my hair without ruining my amazing body.”

We were shocked, if you can believe even that.

Adoption, abortion, miscarriage, ratings, and profits from reality shows are not the typical words that come out of anyone else’s statement to the press about a newborn, unless of course Casey Anthony were to have another child and Andy Cohen were able to franchise her misery–and his– just to increase the square footage of his guest house in the Hamptons now that Andersen Cooper is officially out of the closet and will need more closet space for all his clingy t shirts. The Messrs. Cohn and Cooper, their contractor revealed, were hoping it would look something akin to the closet Leo  DiCaprio has in the new Baz Luhrmann “Lady-Gaga-video-turned-into-The Great Gatsby-as-possibly-directed-by Madonna-thing-currently- passing-as-a-film-in-a-multiplex-near-you.”

But we digress. Only because the topic sickens us. As does, of course, Miss Kardashian’s sordid tale.

Miss Kardashian who is currently “with” the baby girl’s father rapper Kanye West, did not respond to our queries as to the role Mr. West would play in all of this. Close friends of Mr. West revealed to us exclusively that the rapper was deeply disappointed to hear that the baby was a girl and to prove it he just released a misogynistic new CD on Friday that boasts among other things: “You see it’s leaders, and it’s followers. But I’d rather be a dick than a swallower,” and “Black girl sipping white wine, put my fist in her like the Civil Rights sign.”

“Kanye only likes women he can fuck,” confided a source really conversant in the obvious. “I think he’s terribly afraid that this daughter of his is going to grow up a beautiful woman and then he’d have to pull a Donald Trump and issue a statement saying that she is so pretty that if she weren’t his daughter, he’d be into fucking her.”

Or worse, apparently. Like killing her, if he were to see her drinking white wine.

This of course begs the question how does Kanye really feel about Kim, who not only swallows but has a University of Phoenix Associate Degree in Gag Reflexology.

Kim Kardashian to star in National Association of Home Builders new ad campaign

“Oh, he really said that did he? And who is he to call anyone a sucker? He’s the biggest sucker there is! Although he’s an  awfully big dick too, which of course you all know I need like an asthma sufferer needs an inhaler.”

She seems suddenly visibly relieved. “No judge would give him custody of this little overgrown fetus–I mean baby–so, I am also declaring today that we are now through and that he owes me 18 years of child and spousal support.”

She hopes with Kanye’s money and the money from the Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers deals she’s already signed–“You think I learned nothing from Kirsty Ally? You put that weight right back on just to lose it again for even more money, honey” –she can afford to get her figure back in shape to snag the next sucker. “Seriously, Kanye called me a sucker? Nigga Please! I played him like every other chump, except this time this fetus stretched me out more than doing all of Kris Humphries’ team mates right before the ceremony in the bathroom of Kanye’s tour bus.”

“But as Yeesus is my witness, I will get back on my feet again,” she said as she abruptly ran off to feed the baby girl with a Skinny Girl alcohol bottle.

“And then no one will call me a whore again,” clearly invoking her work with the Kardashian Foundashian, which poured millions of relief dollars into Cartagena after the Secret Service scandal that maligned not only the Service and President Obama’s visit to Colombia, but sullied the womens’ reputations as well.

“Prostitution is legal in Colombia just like it is on E! or Bravo,” she said walking away. “We made sure those girls were able to get back on their backs again as soon as possible. If I can do work like that, who needs this fucking screaming little bitch waking me in the middle of the night. I’m Mother Teresa and Oprah all rolled into one.”

Yes, she’s gained that much weight!

“Gimme a new season on E! and a couple hundred million and I’ll dare anyone to put me down as a sucker. I’m a fuckin’ lady.”

We found that to be a bit of a stretch. An enormous stretch of the truth, just for starters. But strangely accurate, too.

Mr. West was unavailable for comment as he was last seen escorting the Somali pirate supermodel sensation and aspiring songstress K-Lime Ibord into a white wine bar.

And Yeesus wept.

Tom Kolovos is EIC of aControlledSubstance.com  He wrote this before learning that the cat Kanye gave her died after 3 weeks. Three weeks? How do you kill a cat in 3 weeks? How long will it take before another baby pussy dies in her care? 911……

__________________________________________________________________________________________

new alexis ad

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,


About the Author


2 Responses to YEESUS: Kim Kardashian to give up newborn baby girl up for adoption after 72 days

  1. Pingback: Two ships that pass in the fortnight. Today, KESH x American Apparel. | aControlledSubstance

  2. Pingback: The Bride Wore Black. How Anna Wintour And The Business of Fashion met their true foe | aControlledSubstance

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Back to Top ↑
  • "IF ONLY FOR A SECOND"

  • OBAMACARE COVERS HURT FEELINGS!


  • The Alexis Bittar Interview

  • subscribe to aCS

    Enter your email address:

    Or grab the feed here.