Published on August 13th, 2012 | by tomkolovos3
THE GOP SCOOPS HOLLYWOOD: Casts Paul Ryan as Christian Grey
In a move that shocked even hardened insiders like Nickki Finke, the GOP scooped Hollywood over the weekend by casting not Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling or even Ryan Lochte but Paul Ryan in the most sought after part in Hollywood–Christian Grey in the mommy porn extravaganza “50 Shades of Grey.”
In casting Mr Ryan, the GOP pointed to several focus groups that clearly showed women and gay Republicans especially love their sociopolitical masochism meted out by a handsome 42 year old extremist policy wonk congressman with piercing blue eyes, a shellacked Supercuts hairstyle, ripped P90X torso and 8% body fat.
“We needed to close the large female voter gap we have compared with Obama and we found the perfect guy to do it. He’s another overachiever running for office with serious daddy issues. Women eat that stuff up,” confided a source that prefers to remain anonymous.
“Sure he’s the the kind of guy that would rather rip a live fetus out of your cold hard dead body even in case of rape or incest, but that hardly matters, we’ve found, when you want to just grab those Dumbo ears of his and just make him go down on you all day long. And let’s just say the size of a man’s ears is directly proportional to the size of his penis. Sure, sometimes inversely, but not in this case, Jon Hunstman Sr. has assured Harry Reid and me. He’s Rick Santorum without the vest. But with abs. And personhood blue eyes.”
Our source continued with unabashed enthusiasm that bordered on the kind you find in Wisconsin for cheese: “What’s he got? He’s hot. And the gays love that too. Sure he wants to deny rights to gays. But how are they going to turn their backs on Paul come election time when they’re on their backs fantasizing about him, Peter in hand, from now to kingdom come?”
But doesn’t a conservative extremist Catholic devotee of atheist Ayn Rand with a heavy handed approach to cutting social services and Medicare in favor of lowering taxes for the super rich risk alienating independent voters, especially women?
“If ’50 Shades of Grey’ taught us anything–and it taught every Catholic a lot judging by the sales of dildos alone–is that women love it when a man takes charge and humiliates them. Women love men who see the world in black or white terms. And with a heavy hand. We’re betting that means independent women voters too. They’re all just a bunch of college girls who just haven’t found the right man anyway. Practically lesbians, if you ask me.”
“And,” the source added, “let’s not forget there’s no biggger dildo than a Log Cabin Republican. For God’s sake the stuff they do in Lincoln’s name in the Land of Lincoln every Memorial Day Weekend……is just….well, let’s just say they should start calling themselves Bjorkeback Mounting.”
And you’re sure socioeconomic sadomasochism is the way to go, we asked the source who was not cleared to speak on the record for fear Lynn Cheney would retaliate.
“Oh yes. our research shows even straight guys would give Paul a facial or a pearl necklace under the right circumstances–normally two beers. He’s like a millennial projection of a hot self loathing metrosexual Barbara Bush. With killer blue eyes. Sigh.”
And speaking of bushes, “his wife is named Janna–which sounds a lot like Jenna, as in Jameson, who is a very big Romney supporter. Now that’s some mommy AND daddy porn right there for you. We’ve even heard Newsweek will tap him for “The First Gay VP” next week on its cover story by Andrew Sullivan. We totally thought this through, I tell you.”
Tom Kolovos is EIC of aControlledSubstance.com