Published on July 2nd, 2012 | by tomkolovos4
Anderson Cooper 180: Syndicated daytime talk show “Anderson” finally comes out
EDITOR’S NOTE: Originally posted 9/13/11
“Before you get all judgemental,” he interrupts “my mother had her name plastered on every woman’s ass in the 70′s and early 80′s.”
His mother of course is Gloria Vanderbilt, and yes, she did sell an eponymous line of wildly profitable jeans during that time.
Anderson Cooper is getting a bit tired, it seems, of people implying that starting a daytime talk show betrays the journalistic gravitas he built up at CNN, let alone the Vanderbilt name.
“All I want is what my mother and grandfather wanted. Money. And lots of it.
“If interviewing Snooki and the Housewives will get me more money than the paltry $10 million CNN pays me to go to frickin’ hell holes like Lybia and Egypt, I say bring it on. You know there was no place to work out in Lybia? I totally missed chest and triceps one day.”
Mr. Cooper stands to make hundreds of millions a year if his new talk show succeeds in capturing Oprah Winfrey’s former demographic, now that Ms. Winfrey herself has failed to capture it on her cable network OWN.
“Besides, I’m way to hot to be on cable. Cable is for people who have a face for radioactivity.”
“Even if I make half of what Oprah Winfrey pulled in before she went to cable, that’s a heck of a lot better than having to risk my life and waste this pretty face and buffed up bod reporting in a haz mat suit from some nuclear no man’s land.”
Speaking of no man’s land, we asked if, like Oprah, he will be increasingly forced to address the open secret that he’s gay. Mr. Cooper was uncharacteristically coy.
“Secret? Look, the real secret is that everyone wants me on their home team. So it’s much better to let the speculation go on and on and on. I’m more authentic–and more marketable to a wider demographic– like that. That’s what I bring to the table. Authenticity. And sixpack abs.”
Aside from the money and the mindless subject matter, what other changes can we expect from Anderson on “Anderson?”
“I don’t know if you’d call this a change, so much as an expansion of of my trademark journalistic style. You know how I get all self indignant but personally wounded so it looks like I’m asking something deeply probing and I mesmerize you into thinking I know something you don’t? Well, more of that but now with a level of highbrow superiority that makes you think I finally unlock the mystery that is Snooki or suicide. Or whatever interview Dr. Phil isn’t man enough to admit he payed for.”
For this more casual format does he plan, we wondered, to eschew jackets and ties for those famous tight t-shirts? He demures.
“Perhaps. Perhaps. Look, at the end of the day, all a guy like me wants is what made my mother happy: a pair of jeans that make your ass look great and a versatile top.”
Tom Kolovos is Editor in Chief of aControlledSubstance.com