BREAKING AND ENTERING: NATO Summit Headlines In Review
JOURNALISM
WITHOUT
BORDERS
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MAY 21
BREAKING: Ricketts family complains “Radical Communist Chinese chicks nabbing all the eligible white billionaires”
BREAKING: Michelle Obama wears Rachel Roy arriving at NATO Summit. Ricketts family privately announces plans to go negative on “radical black designer”
BREAKING: Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn investigated in France for gang rape that took place in Washington, DC in December 2010.
No investigation scheduled in US of JPMorgan chief Jamie Dimon for circle jerk allegations
BREAKING: CBS announces new “Private Equity CSI” starring Cory Booker and Harold Ford
FACT: Newark Mayor Cory Booker received over $565K from Bain + the financial industry for 2002 campaign http://thkpr.gs/K5wPmq
BREAKING: Mayor Emanuel cracks down hard on most dangerous group of NATO protestors: the Ricketts family
MAY 20
BREAKING: Austerity is German for middle class Holocaust
BREAKING : City of Chicago confirms Pritzker family generously donates even more heat lamps to be turned on NATO Summit protestors during today’s heatwave
MAY 19
BREAKING: First Lady Michelle Obama, wife of “the first gay president,” ready to “burn all his shit on the White House lawn” as soon as NATO Summit ends
May 18
NATO FASHION TIP #1: If you’re out this weekend be sure to use Oil-free Makeup in case there’s tear gas–oil burns
FASHION TIP #2: If you’re part of the 1%, be sure to use lots of oil based concealer
The protestors don’t “smell.” Think of it as TOMyoucanafFORD cologne
BREAKING: Majority of Americans think NATO is video game maker of “Air Strike”
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MAY 17
BREAKING: G-20 Contestants to get eliminated into G-8. Winners get a fully paid trip to Camp David. Don’t forget to vote for your favorites.
AND FOR YOUR IRONY PLEASURE, NO STARCH PLEASE:
MAY 16
JPMorganFreeman: Dark Knight Rises imperilled by Morgan Freeman’s politics, claims Time Warner shareholder
BREAKING: JPMorgan will not be allowed to run coatcheck during NATO summit
Tanning Mom to head JPMorgan Risk Management Division
BREAKING: BAIN CAPITAL arrives ahead of NATO Summit to raid hookers 401K plans
BREAKING: After Cartagena, Kardashian Foundation helps sex workers get back on their backs again
BREAKING: City of Chicago hires Wendi Murdoch as NATO Summit pie in the face security expert
BREAKING: City of Chicago confirms Pritzker family generously donates heat lamps to be turned on NATO Summit protestors
BREAKING: Illinois GOP negotiates to send your empty vagina on a slow boat to China
BREAKING: Simon Cowell to provide City of Chicago with “X Factor” Demi Levato branded portable “DEMI LAVATORY” facilities
BREAKING: Chicago Mayor Emanuel announces EFFEN VODKA as official sponsor of NATO Summit
BREAKING: HOTEL MAIDS REQUEST SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION
MAY 15
BREAKING: Desiree Rodgers politely asked to leave Chicago during NATO Summit “so she doesn’t fuck things up here too” reveals City Hall
BREAKING NEWS: Ahead of NATO G-20 Summit in Chicago, Sofitel Hotel maids “scared shitless.”
COACHELLA COMES TO NATO SUMMIT: John Maynard Keynes hologram to debut at Chicago G-20 summit
Israel will not attend G-20 summit. Mistrusts Obama to work out acceptable Groupon deal
Chicago hookers convene ahead of NATO Summit. Send message to the world: “Our G Spot is ready for your G-20″
No bags bigger than 15 inches will be allowed in summit zone. Bill Rancic can still bring his wife to work
NATO SUMMIT NEWS: Cartagena hookers denied visas to Chicago in effort to curb outsourcing of American jobs
THE WENDI MURDOCHIZATION OF SEX WORKERS: Chicago hookers plead with Mayor Emanuel ahead of NATO Summit “Don’t outsource our jobs to China”
BREAKING: Agent Provocateur and Victoria’s Secret sales soar as Chicago hookers get down to business
BREAKING: Chicago hookers prepared to to “rise and shine” at NATO Summit
Tom Kolovos is EIC of aControlledSubstance.com
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Hillarious headlines!!! My one cup of coffee and your site is a great way to start the day. Thanx, you clever..