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 VOLUME TOO

 HOW I FOUND MYSELF WRITING THE WRONGS OF POP CULTURE  EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T ALOUD   

by Tom Kolovos

 


aCS LindaEvangelistaWMagazine

Published on May 26th, 2012 | by tomkolovos

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BREAKING AND ENTERING: NATO Summit Headlines In Review

               JOURNALISM

                 

WITHOUT

                   BORDERS

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MAY 21

BREAKING: Ricketts family complains “Radical Communist Chinese chicks nabbing all the eligible white billionaires”

BREAKING: Michelle Obama wears Rachel Roy arriving at NATO Summit. Ricketts family privately announces plans to go negative on “radical black designer”

BREAKING: Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn investigated in France for gang rape that took place in Washington, DC in December 2010.

No investigation scheduled in US of  JPMorgan chief Jamie Dimon for circle jerk allegations

BREAKING: CBS announces new “Private Equity CSI” starring Cory Booker and Harold Ford

FACT: Newark Mayor Cory Booker received over $565K from Bain + the financial industry for 2002 campaign http://thkpr.gs/K5wPmq

BREAKING: Mayor Emanuel cracks down hard on most dangerous group of NATO protestors: the Ricketts family

MAY 20

 

BREAKING: Austerity is German for middle class Holocaust

BREAKING : City of Chicago confirms Pritzker family generously donates even more heat lamps to be turned on NATO Summit protestors during today’s heatwave

MAY 19

BREAKING: First Lady Michelle Obama, wife of “the first gay president,” ready to “burn all his shit on the White House lawn” as soon as  NATO Summit ends

May 18

NATO FASHION TIP #1: If you’re out this weekend be sure to use Oil-free Makeup in case there’s tear gas–oil burns

FASHION TIP #2: If you’re part of the 1%, be sure to use lots of oil based concealer

The protestors don’t “smell.” Think of it as TOMyoucanafFORD cologne

BREAKING: Majority of Americans think NATO is video game maker of “Air Strike”

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MAY 17

BREAKING: G-20 Contestants to get eliminated into G-8. Winners get a fully paid trip to Camp David. Don’t forget to vote for your favorites.

AND FOR YOUR IRONY PLEASURE, NO STARCH PLEASE:

MAY 16

JPMorganFreeman: Dark Knight Rises imperilled by Morgan Freeman’s politics, claims Time Warner shareholder

BREAKING: JPMorgan will not be allowed to run coatcheck during NATO summit

Tanning Mom to head JPMorgan Risk Management Division

 

BREAKING: BAIN CAPITAL arrives ahead of NATO Summit to raid hookers 401K plans

BREAKING: After Cartagena, Kardashian Foundation helps sex workers get back on their backs again

BREAKING: City of Chicago hires Wendi Murdoch as NATO Summit pie in the face security expert

BREAKING: City of Chicago confirms Pritzker family generously donates heat lamps to be turned on NATO Summit protestors

BREAKING: Illinois GOP negotiates to send your empty vagina on a slow boat to China

BREAKING: Simon Cowell to provide City of Chicago with  “X Factor” Demi Levato branded portable “DEMI LAVATORY” facilities

BREAKING: Chicago Mayor Emanuel announces EFFEN VODKA as official sponsor of NATO Summit

BREAKING: HOTEL MAIDS REQUEST SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION

MAY 15

BREAKING: Desiree Rodgers politely asked to leave Chicago during NATO Summit “so she doesn’t fuck things up here too” reveals City Hall

BREAKING NEWS: Ahead of NATO G-20 Summit in Chicago, Sofitel Hotel maids “scared shitless.”

COACHELLA COMES TO NATO SUMMIT: John Maynard Keynes hologram to debut at Chicago G-20 summit

Israel will not attend G-20 summit. Mistrusts Obama to work out acceptable Groupon deal

Chicago hookers convene ahead of NATO Summit. Send message to the world: “Our G Spot is ready for your G-20″

No bags bigger than 15 inches will be allowed in summit zone. Bill Rancic can still bring his wife to work

NATO SUMMIT NEWS: Cartagena hookers denied visas to Chicago in effort to curb outsourcing of American jobs

THE WENDI MURDOCHIZATION OF SEX WORKERS: Chicago hookers plead with Mayor Emanuel ahead of NATO Summit “Don’t outsource our jobs to China”

BREAKING: Agent Provocateur and Victoria’s Secret sales soar as Chicago hookers get down to business

BREAKING: Chicago hookers prepared to to “rise and shine” at NATO Summit

Tom Kolovos is EIC of aControlledSubstance.com

 

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One Response to BREAKING AND ENTERING: NATO Summit Headlines In Review

  1. Vivi says:

    Hillarious headlines!!! My one cup of coffee and your site is a great way to start the day. Thanx, you clever..

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