Published on August 24th, 2011 | by tomkolovos7
NBC to relaunch disappointing “Nate Berkus Show” as “Vajazzling with Nate”
In a last minute scramble to appease Oprah Winfrey, NBC has announced that instead of cancelling the ratings Titanic known as “The Nate Berkus Show,” it plans to relaunch the show in September with a new name.
“Vajazzling with Nate” will run during the same time period and in the same major markets as the “Nate Berkus Show” did last season.
“Viewers never caught on to the Seinfeldian inside joke that this was the quintessential talk show about nothing,” says an inside source.
“We tried to make that clear every day,” says a senior producer who prefers to remain anonymous. “Even we didn’t know what the show was about. We thought that was clear to anyone who watched. It was a show about nothing. What’s so difficult to understand about that in the middle of the afternoon?”
Nothing. Unless of course you want viewers who aren’t Einstein, baby.
“Nate Berkus” is the most recent spinoff from the now defunct “Oprah”Winfrey Show. It is also the only spinoff to be struggling in the ratings.
“I think the new title will give the show focus. It’s the only thing we didn’t do on season one,” said another producer. “And it will clearly showcase what Nate’s talent is. If that doesn’t happen, we have another ‘Gayle King’ disaster on our hands,” referring to the long ago cancelled syndicated talk show hosted by Winfrey’s BFF.
And nobody wants that at NBC.
“We’ve already stacked the audience with younger, hotter, dressed beyond their means women, so we already have a built-in pool of subjects. And that’s not counting how many times we can have Kirstey Alley come on after each successive weight loss. And if Celine Dion can squeeze out any more sperm out of her husband with a Geiger counter, we know we’ll have a sure fire hit on our hands. Those two media whores are a goldmine!”
At least one television critic is inclined to agree with that assessment, although he did not agree to be named. “Everyone knows what Dr. Phil is. He’s an asshole. Everyone knows what Dr. Oz is. He’s a hot doctor. Everyone knows what Rachel Ray is. She’s the perky Muslim terrorist from the Dunkin Donuts ads. But who is Nate? Yes he’s gay and attractive, but I mean, what’s he good at?”
Apparently, “not much,” as an occasional viewer who tunes in out of habit thinking that the clever and entertaining “Bonnie Hunt Show” is still on the air, put it .
“He smiles an awful lot, but I’m not sure he has any reason to,” said the occasional viewer. “I can watch my 4 year old do that all day. And my 4 year old drools less.”
Told of the new “Vajazzling with Nate” concept, another more devoted viewer–she watches to relieve the pain of having her limbs amputated in Iraq and is heartened that the show doesn’t aggravate her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder–was visibly upset.
“It’s the only show on TV that you can reliably watch every day and never remember you did anything. Now they’re going to ruin it?”
Apparently referring to the new show’s tagline, “one in the hand is worth two in the bush,” sources close to the new version of the show say Oprah and Gale are considering getting matching vajazzling on air, especially if they can cross promote it on OWN, itself seriously struggling in the ratings, no matter how many daffy dysfunctional white celebrity families it showcases as “inspirational programming.”
If the Oprah and Gale agree to vajazzle themselves, the episodes will be repackaged, along with backstage footage and commentary by Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Dr. Seus, and rebroadcast on OWN as “The Vagina Dialogues.”
Sources close to OWN also disclosed that if “the ratings situation does not improve rapidly at OWN, the cable channel will become permanently known as Oprah’s Worst Nightmare.”
Speaking of nightmares, Mr. Berkus could not be reached for comment.
Tom Kolovos is Editor in Chief of aControlledSubstance.com